


The Games We Once Played

by Lauralot



Series: Alexander Pierce should have died slower [17]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Bed-Wetting, Diapers, Drug Abuse, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Mild Gore, Non-Sexual Age Play, Panic Attacks, Storytelling, Stuffed Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4478540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauralot/pseuds/Lauralot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Bear likes to play out all sorts of Bearvenger missions.</p><p>Captain Ameribear teaches him a new game.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Games We Once Played

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired in part by [vironsusi](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vironsusi/pseuds/vironsusi), [WritingCyan](http://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingCyan/pseuds/WritingCyan), and [ravenously](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenously/pseuds/ravenously).

**Mother, my friends are no longer my friends,  
** **And the games we once played have no meaning.  
** **I’ve gone serious and shy and they can’t figure why,  
** **So they’ve left me to my own daydreaming.**

—“Bad Wisdom,” Suzanne Vega

  


Bucky blinks away the remnants of a nightmare.

The memory’s mostly gone in the time it takes him to jolt up in bed, leaving Bucky with just shaky breaths, a pounding heartbeat, and little scraps of his dream. A sweltering road, a windowless room, screaming. Bucky shudders on reflex, squeezing tight to Bucky Bear.

Bucky Bear says they should play bears.

That gets Bucky to stop thinking about the screaming because Bucky Bear hasn’t wanted to play bears all week. He hasn’t wanted to do anything since they got back from the Commander’s apartment except wrap himself up in a bunch of blankets and have all the other bears snuggle him. Not that he actually asked for the other bears to cuddle him, but Bucky was sure that would cheer him up.

All week, except for his doctors’ appointments, Bucky’s been in his room cuddled up to the bears too. Tasha’s come by sometimes to watch movies, Pepper’s been around a lot to bring him food, and everybody else has stopped at Bucky’s floor as well for a bunch of different reasons. Sam makes sure he’s taking all his medicine. Bruce reads to him. Clint helps Bucky practice signing, and he even got Bucky Bear to smile once.

Everybody’s been here but Daddy because Bucky told JARVIS not to let Daddy in.

The car ride home after Daddy made Bucky leave the Commander’s apartment had been really bad. Daddy was still so angry at the Commander, but he was mad at Bucky too. Mad that he’d been going to the Commander’s, mad that he didn’t tell anybody, and mad that Bucky didn’t charge his phone or wear the bracelet so that they could find him. He’d called Bucky irresponsible and thoughtless and reckless and a bunch of other things.

And Bucky had told him to fuck himself.

He hadn’t been little then. He isn’t sure when he stopped being little, or if it happened before or after he got into the car. All he knew was that Steve was so _angry_ and Bucky was so angry too and suddenly he was shouting.

“Go fuck yourself,” he’d said. “I can go wherever I want. I can talk to anyone I want to. I’m not a prisoner anymore, and I’m not a little kid either. Why are you even treating me like one? You said it yourself, you never asked to be a daddy. Well, you can stop fucking pretending.”

Steve had gone white when Bucky said that. He’d started to speak, but Bucky switched on the radio, turning it up so loudly that it hurt and he couldn’t hear anything else. He’d kept his hand on the dial for the rest of the ride to keep Steve from turning it off. When they parked, Bucky let go and realized he’d cracked the plastic.

That was the last time he saw Daddy.

Since then, Daddy’s tried to visit every day. JARVIS says he wants to apologize. Bucky hasn’t let him in.

Yesterday in therapy, the doctors asked why.

“He’s not really sorry,” Bucky had said, squeezing Bucky Bear’s feet. “He just doesn’t want me to feel bad.”

“What makes you sure that he’s not sorry, James?” Cornelius had asked.

“He never wanted to be my daddy,” Bucky whispered, wiping at his eyes. “He just did it to make me feel better. And now I’m sad and he doesn’t want me to be sad.”

“Has there ever been a time when you had to do something you didn’t want to and ended up changing your mind about it?” Miriam had asked gently.

When Bucky was the asset, he hadn’t wanted to be little at first. But then being little meant hugs and cookies and stories and warm blankets. It meant love.

“I don’t care if he’s sorry,” was all Bucky had said. “It still hurts.”

Now Bucky’s pulled back to the present because Bucky Bear really wants to play.

Bucky rubs at his eyes, turning toward his alarm clock. He’s not sure what time it is, but it feels really early. He’s supposed to lie down quietly if he wakes up too soon, not send his bears on missions.

But Bucky Bear hasn’t wanted to play all week and it would be really bad to say no when he finally feels up to it.

“Okay,” he whispers. The other bears are still sleeping. “Do you want to be the good guys and I can be the bad bears, or—”

Bucky Bear wants Bucky to play on his side. He’s not sure yet how the game will go, and he wants Bucky’s help working it out. He says they should play with Tasha.

“I don’t think she’s up yet—” Bucky begins, but Bucky Bear’s eyes look so hopeful and so sad. He _needs_ to play. Bucky guesses that that’s his job as a bear, and he can’t feel good after not doing his job for a whole week.

“’Kay,” Bucky mumbles, and his bear starts shaking with excitement. Or maybe that’s just Bucky moving the mattress as he squirms out from under his sheets. Holding in a yawn, Bucky gently shakes Captain Ameribear awake. He can wake up the other bears. He’ll definitely want to play if it’ll cheer up Bucky Bear.

The floor feels cold against Bucky’s feet after the warmth of the bed, making a shiver run through him. Bucky decides he should use the bathroom before he goes to wake up Tasha, and probably brush his teeth and comb his hair too, so that—

Bucky Bear wants to go play right _now_. The bear would be stomping his feet and pouting if those weren’t rude ways to act. There’s a game forming in his fuzzy head, and he’s certain that he’ll explode if he doesn’t get to play right this minute.

Bucky doesn’t want Bucky Bear to explode. Scooping all the bears up into his arms—which isn’t easy to do in just one trip—he starts toward the elevator. Bucky Bear is already getting everyone ready to play, dividing the bears up into their roles. Captain Ameribear will be leading the good guy bears, just like always.

Staring at the rows of buttons in the elevator, Bucky tries to work out how to press one without putting any of the bears down. He could just ask JARVIS, but it seems rude to ask JARVIS to do things early in the morning. Computers need breaks too, especially ones that do as much as JARVIS. Anyway, Bucky thinks he can press a button with his elbow.

Slowly, he shuffles around, turning his head so he can still see the button he’s angling for. He lines his arm up with the button for Tasha’s floor, but he doesn’t lean back to hit it.

Tasha hasn’t played bears with him all week, not even on the days that Red Panda came with her to visit. And yeah, Bucky Bear hadn’t _wanted_ to play, but she hadn’t asked to play with any of the other bears either. Come to think of it, Bucky thinks the last time they played bears might have been the day Clint got hurt, when Tasha had knocked Bucky off the couch after Bucky Bear knocked Bear Widow and Hawkbear off. Maybe she feels guilty.

If she does, she definitely won’t like Bucky waking her up early to bother her with his bears.

He stares at the other buttons, tummy twisting up. Tony and Bruce already have problems getting enough sleep, and Pepper needs to rest so she can run her company. Thor isn’t here. Clint’s at his apartment building. Sam’s already come to see Bucky so much this week, and every time, he stays for hours.

Bucky looks at the button for Daddy’s floor.

All week, Bucky Bear's been whispering that he’s a failure and a bad bear whenever he bothers to talk. He might not want to see Daddy, no matter how much he wants to play.

Yesterday, Cornelius had said, “No one but you can decide if you’ll accept an apology, James. You have to make a choice about whether or not you want to Steve to be a part of your life and what role you want him to play in it. You don’t have to decide right now, but it’s something you’ll have to choose for yourself.”

Bucky can’t imagine life without his daddy, even if he’s not a daddy anymore.

But the doctors were wrong. It’s not just Bucky’s choice; it’s Bucky Bear’s too. And then things that Daddy and the Commander said really hurt Bucky Bear.

But all Bucky Bear will say now is how badly he wants to play. Bucky thinks that the bear hopes if he plays a really good mission and does the best he can, that Daddy will like him again.

Bucky can’t reach the button for Daddy’s floor with his elbow. He presses Bucky Bear’s nose up against it instead.

The floor in Daddy’s room feels cold too. It’s not helping with Bucky’s need for a bathroom, and he knows Bucky Bear’s way too excited about playing to allow any breaks until at least one mission is done. So he scampers to Daddy’s bed, where Daddy’s sleeping, face pressed into his pillow.

He’s not in pajamas and his shoes are still on. It doesn’t seem like he was really planning to go to bed before he laid down. Bucky scrambles onto the mattress, trying to worm his way under the blankets without accidentally pushing Daddy off.

Maybe, Bucky thinks, his tummy suddenly heavy and sinking, he shouldn’t call Steve Daddy anymore. He knows Daddy doesn’t like it.

But then Daddy’s stirring and Bucky’s too nervous to think at all, winding his fingers in the sheets. Daddy tilts his head so that one eye isn’t up against the pillow anymore, blinking. “Buck?”

“I—” Bucky’s mouth is dry. His face is hot and it’s hard to remember how to talk. “Bucky Bear wants to play.”

“ _Bucky._ ” Daddy sounds much more awake now, bolting up in the bed and hugging so tight that Bucky squeaks. “I’m so sorry I never meant to make you feel unwanted I love you whether you’re five or thirty I was stupid and angry and I wasn’t thinking about how what I said would sound and I’m sorry, Buck, I’ll do anything to make it up to you, anything you could ever—”

“I wanna play bears,” Bucky says.

Daddy blinks. “Oh.”

“And I’m really sorry I yelled at you and wouldn’t talk to you for a week and made you feel bad that was wrong and it made me feel sick but I was _so upset_ and I didn’t know what to—”

“Shh,” Daddy says. He pulls Bucky a little closer so that Bucky’s head can rest on his shoulder, rubbing his hand up and down Bucky’s back. “It’s okay, lamb. We’re both sorry, and neither of us will do it again. We don’t have to dwell on it, we can—” Then Daddy stops, twisting his neck back to try and see his clock. “What _time_ is it?”

“Five something,” Bucky mumbles, smiling and pushing his face against Daddy’s shirt to hide his blush. Daddy almost never calls Bucky by pet names because his last daddy did it so much. It’s really special whenever Daddy does.

“You want to play bears at five in the morning?” Daddy asks.

“Bucky Bear’s really excited about the game he thought up,” Bucky says. “And he missed you a whole bunch.”

Daddy’s not hugging Bucky anymore. He scoops up Bucky Bear out of the pile of bears on the bed and kisses his nose. “I missed you too, Bucky Bear,” Daddy says, and then Bucky Bear gets a big, strong hug just like Bucky had.

Bucky Bear likes the hug so much that he forgets all about playing for a whole minute. But then he remembers, and Bucky knows he’d be wriggling his way free if that wouldn’t hurt Daddy’s feelings.

“Daddy,” Bucky says.

“Okay.” Daddy’s still hugging Bucky Bear. “What game do you want to play, Buck?”

“The bears are on a mission,” Bucky begins slowly. Bucky Bear is still working out the details, but a clearer picture is starting to form in Bucky’s mind. “Because some bad bears took science blueprints from their base, and the bad bears are going to sell it to even worse bears.”

“Which are the good bears and which are the bad bears?” Daddy asks. He sets Bucky Bear down, but he reaches out to ruffle Bucky’s hair at the same time.

“Captain Ameribear’s the leader of the good bears and Bear Widow’s the second in command,” Bucky says. He starts putting the bears into two piles: Bucky Bear, War Machine Bear, Falcon Bear, and Thor Bear join the good bear pile. Iron Bear, Hulk Bear, and Hawkbear are the bad guys. “He’s the leader of the bad bears.” Bucky points to Iron Bear.

“It figures,” says Daddy. “Am I in charge of the good bears or the bad ones?”

“You get the bad bears,” Bucky says, pushing them toward Daddy. “And you get to start, because the bad bears just stole the stuff, and now they have to make a getaway before the good bears can catch them.”

Daddy nods. He leans back against the headboard, propping up Hulk Bear next to him on the pillow. He makes Iron Bear and Hawkbear stand up by holding them. “We have to get out of here right now!” Daddy says, jiggling Iron Bear as he speaks. Except he’s not Iron Bear anymore, he’s the Bad Bear Leader.

“Yes,” says the Bad Bear Burglar who looks like Hawkbear. “We don’t stand a chance against these bears if they catch us! I hear that Bucky Bear drops out of trees on top of other bears to tackle them!”

“And Falcon Bear can fly,” says the Bad Bear Driver. He’s green. “We’d better run or—”

“Daddy, you’re not playing right,” Bucky says. He doesn’t want to complain, but Bucky Bear insists that the scene is all wrong, and he can’t perform with such inaccuracies. “The bears all need different voices. And they should sound more evil.”

“Oh. Okay.” Now that Daddy’s leaning against the pillows, he looks a lot more tired than he did while he was hugging Bucky Bear. Daddy clears his throat, jiggling the Bad Bear Leader again. “And now,” he says, in a deep, sort of slimy-sounding voice, “we must run!”

“They should drive,” Bucky says. Bucky Bear is very insistent about the framing of the adventure. He gets that way sometimes.

Daddy starts to nod, but halfway through he puts his hand over his mouth, covering up a yawn.

“It’s too hot to run,” Bucky adds so Daddy won’t think he’s just being picky. “They have, uh, a truck? One that looks like it’s for something else.” Bucky Bear doesn’t specify what, so Bucky figures that Daddy can pick that.

Instead of naming the truck, though, Daddy just has his bears pile into it and zoom away.

The good bears are on their tails fast. Ameribear is the Good Bear Commander, driving the good bears’ van. Bear Widow, the Second in Command, is in the shotgun seat, holding a shotgun. “Aim for the tires when you have a shot,” the Good Bear Commander tells her. “But wait until we’re on level ground. If their truck goes over a cliff, we might not get the chance to find out if they’ve already sent out the blueprints.”

“Or who they sent them to,” says Falcon Bear, who is now the Computer Specialist. He can check the bad bears’ laptops to see if they sent anything out, but he can’t do that if the laptops get all smashed up in a car crash.

“Just once,” says Thor Bear, “I’d like to watch a car flip over itself a dozen times and then explode.” Thor Bear is the Interrogator Bear.

“Just wait,” says the Second in Command Bear. “Get enough missions under your belt, and you won’t even bat an eye.”

“Cars don’t really explode unless there’s a bomb in them,” the Computer Specialist Bear says. “I mean, the gasoline catches fire, but it doesn’t blow up the car. And if the car had a bomb, it’d probably go off in the first flip instead of—”

“Do you have to ruin everything by over-thinking it?” asks War Machine Bear. War Machine Bear is the Sharpshooter Bear, and is kind of sulky since the Second in Command Bear is making the shot instead.

Bucky Bear is busy guarding the back doors of the van. Too busy for arguments.

“Daddy,” Bucky says, gently poking him in the ribs. Daddy’s eyes are drifting shut. “Daddy, it’s your bears’ turn to do something.”

“Right, right.” Daddy sits up a little straighter, rubbing at his face. “Uh.” He zigzags the bad bears from side to side, making engine noises. Then the Bad Bear Burglar looks over his shoulder. “Oh no!” he says. His voice is nasal with an accent Bucky can’t place. “They’re gaining on us!”

The Second in Command Bear readies the gun while muttering “Smile, you son of a...” In the backseat, the Sharpshooter Bear sighs deeply.

BANG. The bad bears’ tire blows out, and Daddy zigzags the bears faster and tighter until they all tip sideways.

The good bears’ van screeches to a halt beside them, sending up clouds of sandy dirt. Bucky Bear throws open the back doors and jumps out, racing over to make sure that the bad bears can’t run away. The rest of the team follows after him.

“We surrender!” says the Bad Bear Driver, who sounds like Daddy except raspier.

“Da _ddy_.” Bucky shakes his head. “Your bears can’t just surrender.”

“But they’re outnumbered and outmatched,” Daddy says. “If they don’t want to go to jail, they need to surrender and cooperate with the Bearvengers.”

“I don’t want to go to jail!” cries the Bad Leader Bear, who now has a completely different voice.

“But there’s no suspense that way.” It’s Bucky Bear’s argument, but Bucky agrees as he translates it. Besides, if the bad bears just give up, then the good bears won’t be able to do awesome, heroic stuff.

Daddy nods. He’s leaning back against the pillows again, and Bucky thinks he’s not completely awake. He can feel that Bucky Bear’s upset about that, so Bucky decides that from now on, his bears will have to be loud so that Daddy won’t drift off during Bucky Bear’s game.

“Run for your lives!” the Bad Bear Burglar shouts, and the bad bears try to make a break for it. It doesn’t work because they’re surrounded by good bears. Bucky Bear drags two of them to the van, and the Good Commander Bear takes care of the third.

On the way back to their base, the Good Commander Bear and the Second in Commander Bear have a loud argument about the music on the Good Commander Bear’s iPod. Everybody’s covered in dirt and sand from running around outside, and the Computer Specialist Bear coughs a bunch.

Bucky still has to poke Daddy awake twice, though.

They haul the bad bears into a holding room at the base. Bucky Bear describes this room with a lot of details: gray cinderblock walls, a dingy tiled floor, water stains down the wall in one corner. Bucky repeats every detail so that Daddy can be pleased by the effort Bucky Bear’s putting in.

Daddy’s bears grumble out loud about getting mildew, which Bucky thinks is a good sign.

The Computer Specialist Bear is already working on the laptops they retrieved. “I can crack into their system,” he says, “but they’re running this through multiple encryptions. It’ll take at least an hour.”

“We don’t have that much time,” says the Good Commander Bear. He turns to the Interrogator Bear. “Go ruffle their feathers.”

The Interrogator Bear nods.

“I see it like this,” the Interrogator Bear tells the bad bears, standing in front of the exit. “At least one of you two goons has to know who your buyer is, in case your fearless leader here caught a stray bullet. Which means of the three of you, two of you are expendable. Anyone who wants to ‘fess up now can walk straight out that door. Nobody will stop you. It’s a nice offer. Take it.”

The Bad Bear Driver says sleepily, “It was the Alaskan cod. They’re trying to take down bear agencies across the—”

“ _Daddy_.” Bucky puts his hands on his hips. “Your bears can’t give up that easy. And fish aren’t good villains. Bears eat them.”

“Yeah.” Daddy rubs his eye. “And now they’re out for revenge.”

“Your bears should say ‘You’ll never take me alive,’” Bucky suggests. It doesn’t really fit, but it sounds suitably dramatic.

“Has Clint been showing you more mafia movies?”

“ _Daddy_.”

“Fine, fine.” Daddy looks down at his bears again.

“You’ll never take me alive!” the Bad Leader Bear shouts.

“If that’s the way you want to play it,” the Interrogator Bear says. “You just lost the only friend you had.”

The good bears gather outside of the interrogation room to discuss what to do next.

“Tell them I already hacked their files,” the Computer Specialist Bear suggests.

“Then why would they tell us anything?” the Sharpshooter Bear asks. “We’d already know in that case.”

“They might panic and make a mistake,” says the Computer Specialist Bear.

“Or call our bluff and feed us lies,” says the Good Commander Bear. “We don’t have time to risk it.”

“Does Bucky Bear have any ideas?” Daddy asks. The last word sounds funny, strained, like he’s trying to keep from yawning. But at least he’s saying stuff even when it’s not his turn now. That means he does care about the game.

Bucky Bear doesn’t have any suggestions, so Bucky shakes his head.

It’s okay, though, because the Good Commander Bear has a suggestion. “Send in Bucky Bear!” he says. “Bucky Bear will get them to talk.”

“I give ‘em five minutes,” says the Second in Command Bear.

“Bucky Bear can do anything!” adds the Computer Specialist Bear, and in the corner of his eye, Bucky sees Daddy smile at that.

“Focus your attention on their leader,” the Interrogator Bear tells Bucky Bear. “He’s the toughest one to crack, so if you make an example of him, the other bears will spill just like that.”

Bucky Bear nods. He walks into the interrogation room, knocks the Bad Bear Leader onto the floor, and gets to work.

“Is Bucky Bear hitting him?” Daddy asks after a minute. Bucky Bear’s paws are pushing hard at the Bad Bear Leader’s tummy.

“Eviscerating,” says Bucky. It’s not as easy as it looks, and Bucky Bear has to really concentrate. Except now Bucky can’t concentrate because Daddy isn’t smiling anymore. He’s blinking and kind of frowning.

“Okay,” Daddy says slowly. “Can, uh, can Bucky Bear do something else instead? I don’t think Captain Ameribear wants him to do that.”

The Good Commander Bear definitely wants Bucky Bear to do that. He’ll probably call Bucky Bear a good boy once he’s done. But Bucky Bear wants to make Daddy happy, so he stops disemboweling and tries to think of another plan. “Um...Bucky Bear could slit his throat?” It won’t take long enough, but it is really bloody and could still scare the other bears into behaving.

Daddy looks pale. He’s definitely frowning now. “How about Bucky Bear gives him a hug and makes him feel better, Buck? We don’t have to hurt the bad bears.”

Bucky’s tummy is starting to ache. He pushes his thighs closer together, staring down at the bed so he won’t have to see that look on Daddy’s face. He doesn’t point out that the Avengers hurt bad guys all the time. Bucky Bear’s getting scared and worried, so Bucky holds him tighter. “But that’s what happened,” he whispers.

“What hap—this happened?” Daddy sounds choked. He’s sitting up really straight now, not looking tired at all. He’s shaking as he reaches out and puts his hand on top of Bucky’s, squeezing gently. “But we’re just pretending now, okay? Bucky, we’re just pretending. We can play nicer games.”

“But they’ll know if he does it wrong and Bucky Bear will be in trouble!” Bucky doesn’t mean to sound so loud and whiny, but he can’t help it. Bucky Bear doesn’t feel good; he’s so worried that it feels like bedbugs are crawling around in his stuffing.

Daddy takes a deep breath. His hand is still all shaky. “Bucky Bear won’t be in trouble, honey. Not this time, I promise. We’re just playing, right? And nobody’s gonna know. It’s just you and me. We won’t tell.”

But it’s not just them. There’s the voice in the walls. It’s always listening. Bucky squirms, pulling his hand free and squeezing really tight onto Bucky Bear, almost hunched over on him to keep him safe. “They will! Bucky Bear says they always find out!”

“Bucky—”

“Daddy, you’re making Bucky Bear feel bad.” Bucky Bear isn’t even saying anything anymore; he’s too scared to talk. “He wants to play the game right. He doesn’t want to be in trouble.”

“I—how about we play a new game?” Daddy’s eyes look wet. His hand just hangs in the air like he can’t decide whether or not to hold onto Bucky again. “This game isn’t very happy. We can play a nicer one.”

Bucky shakes his head. “Bucky Bear wants to finish the mission,” he whispers.

Daddy doesn’t speak for a long time, so long that Bucky Bear worries enough to almost start tugging his fur out. When he finally speaks, he’s shifting, standing up. “Okay. Okay, Buck. You can finish the mission, and Bucky Bear will be fine. I promise. I just don’t feel up to playing right now, okay? I’ll go make us some breakfast. You can have pancakes and Bucky Bear can have his honey when he’s done. It’ll be fine, Bucky.”

But it’s not fine. When Daddy leaves the room, Bucky Bear doesn’t go back to the Bad Leader Bear and finish. He can’t. He made Captain America upset. And that’s way worse than not finishing his mission. That’s the worst thing Bucky Bear could ever do.

Daddy’s standing in front of the stove when Bucky comes into the kitchen, putting bacon in the frying pan. He gives Bucky and Bucky Bear a thin, watery kind of smile as Bucky gets a chair from the table. “Hey, buddy. Is the mission done? I—” He stammers. “I bet Bucky Bear was really good.”

Bucky Bear wasn’t good, so Bucky doesn’t say anything. He brings the chair over to the cabinets and stands on it, head almost touching the ceiling. Bucky gets out the colander and sets Bucky Bear on the floor. He puts the colander over Bucky Bear’s head, but it’s big enough that it covers up all of him. He can’t go anywhere.

Bucky sits back, arms around his knees, waiting.

“Is Bucky Bear playing astronaut?” Daddy asks. He’s smiling, but it’s like the smile when Bucky first walked in.

“Bucky Bear was bad and now he needs maintenance,” Bucky says.

Daddy drops his spatula. It bounces once, and then the only noise in the kitchen is the bacon sizzling. It seems really loud.

“Hey.” Daddy sounds like he’s choking again. “Why don’t we go up to see Pepper and Tony, okay? Pepper has a big jar of that lavender honey Bucky Bear likes—wouldn’t that be a good breakfast?”

“Bucky Bear doesn’t eat after he has maintenance,” Bucky says. “It makes him get sick.”

Bucky doesn’t understand why that makes Daddy cry.

*

“Hey, kiddo,” Tony says. “Want some cereal?”

Daddy called Tony to come down before Daddy went to hide in the shower. Bucky thinks he might be crying in there, where nobody else can hear him. It makes his tummy go in knots to think about, makes him fidget. And he already can’t sit still. He really needs the bathroom now, but he can’t leave Bucky Bear unsupervised while he’s having maintenance. It’s not safe.

“Daddy was making bacon,” Bucky says, but Daddy turned the stove off before he went to go cry. He called Bucky’s doctors before he called Tony, but they can’t be here right away. Bucky doesn’t really understand why he needs to talk to the doctors. He plays bears all the time, and nobody’s ever gotten upset before.

“I can finish that, I guess.” Tony pokes at the bacon with the spatula. Then he stares at Bucky Bear, still under the colander. “What’s going on with your bear, tiger?”

“He made Daddy sad,” Bucky says, rocking a little. “He’s not allowed to do that.”

“Uh.” Tony sets down the spatula. “You know what, how about you and Bucky Bear stop playing and get some breakfast, okay? Then I can read you a story. Lots of stories. Anything that you want, little guy.”

“Bucky Bear can’t hear any stories because he’s been bad.”

“Bucky Bear could take a nap and we could read,” Tony offers.

Bucky considers it. “He’s not supposed to go in the freezer right after maintenance. They have to watch and make sure nothing’s really messed up.”

“ _Uh_ ,” says Tony as Bucky lifts the colander up off of Bucky Bear, then gives him a hug. “Yeah, that sounds—that—uh—”

“Is Bucky Bear making _you_ sad?” That means he’ll have to be punished again. Bucky doesn’t want to have to punish Bucky Bear anymore; he’s done it so much already and what if his bear gets really hurt from it?

“No!” Tony says. “No, Bucky Bear’s not making me sad. But you know, uh, you know what? You got up early today, right? How about we just take a nap until your therapists get here? You’ll feel better.”

Bucky Bear does feel really tired. But if Bucky’s sleeping too, there won’t be anyone around to watch him. It’s not safe. “But Bucky Bear—”

“I’ll watch Bucky Bear,” Tony says right away. “I’ll make sure he’s okay, don’t you worry.”

So Bucky hands Bucky Bear to Tony, and then Tony tucks Bucky into Daddy’s bed.

When Daddy shakes him awake because the doctors are here, he’s wet. His pants are wet, and the sheets have wet spots too. His pull-up leaked. Bucky can’t do anything right, and he can’t keep from putting his face in his hands and crying. Daddy tries to hand him Bucky Bear, but Bucky Bear’s just as upset and neither of them can make the tears stop.

*

“I don’t understand why Daddy’s sad,” Bucky says, wiping at his eyes. Daddy helped him into the shower and now Bucky’s sitting in his therapy room, hair still dripping. “We play bear missions all the time! And Bucky Bear was trying to be good and stop the bad bears from selling information to really bad bears. He was helping!”

“I don’t think Steve is sad about playing with Bucky Bear,” Miriam says. Her voice is soft. Bucky wants to hug onto her, but he can’t let go of Bucky Bear and Bucky Bear doesn’t like doctors. “If I had to guess, he’s probably unhappy about how scared Bucky Bear was of messing up.”

“Daddy’s played like a hundred bear missions with me.” Bucky sniffs. “He’s never made us stop before. Bucky Bear was just trying to make Daddy happy.”

“Steve said that he thought the game you were playing was based on one of the Winter Soldier missions,” Cornelius says. “Is that correct, James?”

“Uh-huh. I didn’t know at first, but yeah.” He can see it clearly now. The room Bucky described was a base the asset had been to. It was one of the missions with Commander Rumlow. The asset hadn’t liked the way the man smelled once he was cut open, but once the mission was over, Daddy had said he was _so good._

Bucky wipes his nose with the back of his hand.

“Is this the first time you’ve played out a real life mission with your bears?” Cornelius asks. He’s playing with his glasses. He does that a lot.

“Uh-uh. A bunch of missions are made up, but not all of ‘em.” Some of the missions get played out when Bucky’s alone with his bears because Tasha likes to make up her own adventures and so does Clint, but he’s played real missions with other people before. Most of those got improvised though, whenever the other person suggested new things. But Bucky Bear had really wanted to do this one right. He’d wanted to impress Daddy.

Instead, he’d just made him sad.

“I don’t know what I did wrong,” Bucky mutters.

“You haven’t done anything wrong, Bucky.” Miriam sounds like she means that, and she’s never lied, but she has to be wrong. Daddy wouldn’t have cried if Bucky hadn’t messed up. “There’s no wrong way to play with your toys, unless you’re throwing them at someone else or trying to force another person to play. It’s good to act out your feelings in a safe environment. It’s even a kind of therapy.”

“Bucky Bear doesn’t like therapy.” Bucky tenses up right after he says that, but Bucky Bear’s still too sleepy from the maintenance to care about Bucky telling his secrets.

“Steve said that you were very worried Bucky Bear would be punished for playing the game wrong,” Cornelius says. “Who did you think would punish your bear?”

Bucky shrugs. “HYDRA, I guess.” They always used to. Bucky has to do the maintenance now because Bucky Bear insists and HYDRA isn’t taking care of it.

“Do you remember how we’ve discussed this, James?” Cornelius doesn’t sound fed up even though they’ve talked about this again and again. “I know that it’s hard to feel safe after all the time you spent under HYDRA’s control, and it’s easy to forget, but you’re in a safe place now. HYDRA can’t abuse you anymore.”

“I know.” Bucky always knows that until he’s scared. Even then he kind of knows, but it doesn’t help him feel better.

“Do you remember what we asked you to do if you felt that way?” Miriam asks. She’s wearing earrings today, and they sparkle under the lights. Bucky wishes he could just stare at the glimmers and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t exist, but he can’t because she asked a question.

“I’m supposed to keep telling myself I’m safe,” Bucky recites. “And try and remember how everybody here takes care of me. And if that doesn’t work, I need to find a grown-up to help me calm down. And if I need to talk to my doctors, I can call anytime no matter what.”

“That’s right.” Miriam smiles, but it doesn’t feel patronizing. “And Bucky Bear’s welcome to do that too. Sometimes bears need safe spaces as well.”

“But Bucky Bear’s supposed to protect people.”

“The Avengers protect people, and they still worry about things,” Cornelius points out.

“I guess,” Bucky says, but most of the time they’re worried about _him_. That doesn’t make him feel any better.

“Do you have any idea why Bucky Bear wanted to play that particular game?” Cornelius asks.

Bucky shifts, thinking. Bucky Bear had been really, really insistent, right from the moment Bucky woke up. “I think I was dreaming about it. And...the Commander didn’t want Bucky Bear around, and that made him sad. And on that mission, the Commander told the Soldier that he was really good. Uh, I guess Bucky Bear wanted Daddy to tell him he was good?”

“Could we talk to Bucky Bear if you translate?”

Bucky frowns when Miriam asks. Bucky Bear doesn’t like doctors, even ones as nice as Cornelius and Miriam. “He can’t talk very good right now. It’s hard for him to talk right after he’s had maintenance.”

“Do you think he’d like to talk to us in other sessions, when he’s feeling better?”

Bucky shrugs. “Daddy’s never going to play with me again.”

“I’m sure that’s not true, James.” Cornelius pushes his glasses up on his nose. “You may have to find new games to play, but Steve likes you to have fun.”

*

“That’s not bad advice,” Sam says.

Sulking, Bucky wipes his foot over a scuffmark on the floor of the playroom. “I don’t want new games,” he says. “I like playing bears.”

“You can still play bears, Bucky.” Sam reaches over to pat Bucky Bear’s head. “But maybe you and Bucky Bear can come up with happier endings for some of your old missions. Stories that leave all the bears happy.”

“I don’t know any good stories.” He’s been trying to think of stories all day since his doctors left, and he can’t. Bucky Bear thought the story they played with Daddy was really good, but all it did was make Daddy upset. What if all his stories do that?

“We can figure out how to make ‘em good.” Sam sounds very sure about this. “Here, you wanna play the mission from this morning again? We can come up with all kinds of happy endings.”

“Bucky Bear still feels bad,” Bucky says. And he does; the maintenance makes him feel funny for hours, and his head hurts for days after. “He can’t play right now.”

“That’s okay. Just let me know when he’s feeling better.”

Bucky’s not sure if his bear will ever feel better.

*

Bucky doesn’t mean to hide in Bruce’s closet. He never means to hide in anybody’s closets, but sometimes he goes to visit and he just gets so nervous over stupid things like how he should say hi, and then he’s huddled on the floor of a closet with a bunch of shirts brushing against his head.

That’s how Bruce finds him.

“Hi, Bucky.” Bruce doesn’t open the door. He doesn’t need to; he knows Bucky’s there because Bucky left one of his fairy tale books on Bruce’s bed. He does that sometimes. Last time it was a fun new book about monsters that aren’t bad. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Bucky tries to speak, but nothing comes out. Sometimes it feels like there’s something out there stealing his voice, but he can’t figure out who would want it. HYDRA? A sea witch?

“Do you want me to read to you?” Bruce asks.

Bucky moves his mouth once. Twice. On the third time, he manages to make noise. “Uh-huh.”

“Okay. I’d love to read for you. Do you want to come out and see the pictures?”

Bucky tries to talk. He tries so hard his throat hurts, but he can’t do it.

“That’s okay. I’m glad you felt like coming down and asking. I’m proud of you. I can read it while you’re in there too.”

So Bruce does. The story’s called _The Little Match Girl_. Bucky hasn’t heard it very much because it’s about a sad girl stuck out in the cold, and usually it makes him want to cry. But today’s different. Something about the story helps Bucky Bear’s stuffing feel a little less knotted up. And at the end, when the girl’s surrounded by everything she ever wanted and she’s frozen so nothing can take the nice stuff away, Bucky actually smiles.

*

“How are you this morning?” Pepper asks, setting down Bucky’s oatmeal and his smoothie. He can tell she’s staring at Bucky Bear and his honey without even looking up.

Last night, when Steve came to tuck Bucky in, he’d talked about the nice big breakfast they could make in the morning, with apple rabbits and omelets and special honeys. Bucky had said he hadn’t felt up to it. It made Steve’s face fall, but Bucky couldn’t help it. Steve was trying so hard to pretend everything was normal, and it was exhausting. He needed a break.

“Steve hugged my bear for half an hour last night,” he says, jabbing the spoon into his oatmeal.

“Well, that’s good,” Pepper says, settling down in a chair at Bucky’s side. “See?” She gives Bucky Bear’s foot a squeeze. “He loves you no matter what.”

Bucky Bear doesn’t feel any better. His stuffing is still all twisty.

“But how are you feeling, James?” Pepper turns to him, releasing Bucky Bear’s foot. “Are you feeling better?”

“I’m feeling like the only idiot in the world who could make somebody cry with teddy bears,” Bucky says flatly. How does anyone mess up that badly? Frowning, he shoves a spoonful of oatmeal into his mouth. It feels heavy on his tongue.

“You’re not an idiot.” Pepper’s voice is firm as she pats his shoulder. “After all that you’ve been through? You’re coping better than anyone could have hoped.”

Bucky doesn’t answer. He tries to swallow, but the oatmeal feels so gluey and thick all of a sudden.

Pepper turns back to her own breakfast. She doesn’t touch her toast, though, fingers tapping on the rim of the plate. It looks like she’s thinking about something. Thinking hard. And her face goes a little white.

Bucky takes a gulp of the smoothie to force the oatmeal down. “You okay?”

“James,” Pepper says with an air of deliberate calm. “Do you remember the last time the Avengers went on a mission? And it was just the two of us?”

“Yeah. You made spaghetti out of zucchini. It was good.” He always tries to compliment Pepper’s cooking because he always ends up eating so little of it. But she makes great food, and Bucky hopes she can understand that he really does like it.

“Right,” Pepper says. “But do you remember when you were playing with your bears?”

Bucky plays with all the stuffed bears on a daily basis. Asking him to remember one specific game is like asking him to take one specific fish out of the ocean.

The confusion must show on his face, because Pepper clarifies. “You were pretending that your Natasha Bear was driving around, but you said her name was Maria. You meant Maria Hill, right?”

“Maria wasn’t driving,” Bucky says. He’s not hungry anymore. How could he be so stupid, to act out such fucked up little memories and think that no one would notice?

“Right, Tony Bear was, but—”

“He wasn’t Iron Bear then,” Bucky says.

Pepper doesn’t ask any more questions.

*

“Hey,” says Natasha. She asked Bucky to bring his bears to the playroom.

“Hey.” Bucky stares down, shuffling his feet. Being around Tasha when she’s grown up always makes him feel extra little. “Um, where’s Red Panda?”

“Taking a nap,” Natasha says. “Can we play that game we played before Clint got hurt? I won’t get mad this time. Promise.”

“You don’t wanna play a new game?” he asks, tummy starting to ache.

“I don’t think I understood last time,” Natasha says. “Please, Bucky?”

They play again. It’s mostly Bucky playing; Natasha almost lets him do everything by himself. Like last time, Hawkbear’s trying to blow up the universe with a nuclear arsenal. Bear Widow’s protecting him. The team of good bears find them, and then Bucky Bear shoots out Hawkbear’s tires. Bear Widow gets out, covering Hawkbear, and so Bucky Bear knocks them both off of the couch.

Natasha is quiet for a really long time after the good bears tell Bucky Bear how much he helped the world. She said she wouldn’t get mad, but she doesn’t look happy. When she finally reaches out, Bucky can’t keep from flinching, but she only pulls him and his bear into a tight, long hug.

“I’m sorry,” she says.

Bucky’s tummy doesn’t feel any better. He wishes she would just hit him again.

*

“No!” says Captain Ameribear, knocking the colander off of Bucky Bear’s head. “Don’t do that!”

Bucky Bear watches the colander roll away. “But I require maintenance.”

“Maintenance?” Falcon Bear shakes his head. “Man, that’s not maintenance. That’s torture!”

“It’s not,” Bucky Bear says. He tries to get up, but Captain Ameribear’s standing in his way. “You don’t understand.”

“I understand that you’re my friend and I’m not going to let anyone hurt you!” Captain Ameribear’s hugging onto Bucky Bear, but that doesn’t make him feel any better at all.

“It doesn’t hurt me,” Bucky Bear insists, wriggling away. “It helps.”

“How can anything that hurts you be helpful, dear one?” Thor Bear asks.

“I made Bear Widow sad,” Bucky Bear says. Bear Widow nods, and he feels a pang of guilt in his fuzzy bear tummy. “This will keep me from doing that again.”

“You can’t hurt yourself because you made a mistake, Bucky.” War Machine Bear shakes his head. “That won’t help.”

Bucky Bear grinds his little bear teeth. “You don’t understand,” he says. “It doesn’t hurt that badly. It empties out all the bad thoughts in my head and makes sure I’m only focusing on the important things. It keeps me from getting confused or making mistakes, and it keeps me from hurting people. It makes me a much better bear with no distractions.”

The other bears consider this.

“Wow,” Hawkbear says. “That sounds kind of nice.”

“It is nice,” Bucky Bear says. “You’d like it if you tried it, you’d—”

Then Bucky stops talking, the bears going still in his hands, because he just now notices that the words he’s saying are hovering in the air in front of him.

JARVIS set it up so that whenever Clint comes into a room, people’s conversations will be holographically subtitled for him. It helps Clint to understand better when there’s background noise or when people are mumbling.

Clint’s staring right at Bucky. He looks like he might throw up.

“I—” Bucky stammers. He’s going to be in trouble for this, he’s going to be in so, so much trouble. “I—”

But by the time he can think of anything to say, Clint’s already gone.

*

Captain Ameribear flips the bad bear over, knocking him away and pulling off his mask in the process. The bad bear straightens up and turns back to face Captain Ameribear again. That’s when Ameribear freezes.

“Bucky Bear?” he says.

“Who the hell is Bucky Bear?” the bad bear asks.

“Bucky,” Daddy says.

Bucky looks up. He’s sitting on the bed. He went to his own floor after Clint saw him, sure that he’d be in trouble. Might as well send himself to his room and save the grown-ups the trouble of telling him to go. He hadn’t meant to start playing bears once he got here. He’s not even sure when he started playing. He just couldn’t help it.

Daddy looks a lot like Clint did, all pale and sick.

He’s going to say Bucky Bear’s a bad bear. A bad influence. He’s going to take Bucky Bear away and throw him in the trash and no one will ever tell him he’s a good bear again. Bucky starts shaking.

“Bucky,” Daddy begins. “I—”

Bucky grabs the bears and his backpack, and he runs.

*

It’s dark inside the Commander’s apartment.

Bucky wipes his nose really, really well before he forces the window open. He’s been crying all the way over and he can’t make a mess in the Commander’s apartment, not after all that stuff got smashed last time.

The Commander told him to use the door before, but Bucky forgot. He guesses it doesn’t matter. It’s not like he can do anything right anyway.

When he gets inside, the Commander’s asleep on the couch. The blankets that Bucky was supposed to sleep on are still there. The door’s been replaced.

“Commander,” he whispers.

The Commander doesn’t stir.

Bucky reaches out and shakes his shoulder gently. “Commander.”

The Commander doesn’t even grunt.

He doesn’t want to bother the Commander, and he really doesn’t want to scare him, but for all Bucky knows, Daddy’s following him. He has to do to talk to the Commander right now. Bucky shakes again, hard. “Commander!”

The Commander jolts. He scrambles back so forcefully that the couch almost tips over. His pupils are so big that Bucky can’t even see the color of his eyes anymore, and when the Commander finally speaks, chest heaving, his words sound slow and slurred. “Go home, kid.”

“I can’t!” Bucky shoves Captain Ameribear and Bucky Bear at Rumlow, shaking. “I’m really sorry I never meant to bother you I know you don’t want me here and I promise I’ll leave and never come back but Daddy’s going to throw Bucky Bear away and I need you to keep him safe he likes you he’s not like me he’s really good and helpful and not annoying at all and he only needs a new bottle of honey like twice a year and he needs to have Captain Ameribear with him but he won’t bother you either, I promise, just please let them stay here!”

The Commander just stares at him. He tries to bat the bears away, but it doesn’t look like his hands are working very well. “Not fuckin’ kiddin’, Winnie,” he slurs. “Go ‘way.”

“Please,” Bucky says. “I need you to keep my bears safe.”

The Commander doesn’t say anything; Bucky’s not sure if he even understands. There are beer cans all over the floor and a bottle of pills spilled out on the coffee table. Maybe he should get the Commander a glass of water, turn on the lights.

There are dishes heaped up in the sink. On top, crawling with ants, is a plate with a half-eaten chocolate chip pancake, covered in congealed syrup. It’s what Bucky had been eating a week ago yesterday.

“Commander?” Bucky turns back to the living room, feeling cold. He’s not sure if the Commander’s still awake. “Have you cooked any food this week?”

When the Commander doesn’t answer, Bucky rushes toward the fridge. Maybe he ordered food, and there’ll be pizza boxes or—

But nothing’s there except two cans of beer and the stuff Bucky brought last time he visited. Some of it doesn’t look like it’s still good. “Did you even eat?”

Silence. Something comes over Bucky, racing through his veins, heavy and hot. He thinks he’s going to cry again, but he doesn’t feel like crying. He’s not sad.

He’s _angry._

“Get up!” Bucky shouts, flipping on the light switch. Rumlow yelps, trying to shield his eyes from the sudden illumination, but Bucky finds he has no sympathy. “A super soldier kicks in your door, so you decide to drug yourself comatose? I could just rip out your liver if you want! It’d feel about the same.”

“The fuck are you—” Rumlow begins, but Bucky can’t let him get a word in. Can’t let his anger give way to pity. He can’t pity the man who locked him up and tried to make him kill Steve. If he feels it now, he’ll never stop. And Rumlow will be able to make him do whatever he pleases all over again.

“You’re not allowed to kill yourself with pills and booze!” he snaps. “You’ve got fourteen years of torture to make up for, you know that? And I won’t have some failure junkie taking care of my bears!”

Rumlow’s back to staring dumbly. At least he looks mostly conscious now. “What—”

“I don’t have time for this shit to work itself out of your system.” Bucky whirls, kicking a beer can out of his path as he stomps back to the kitchen. “You’re going to eat something if I have to funnel it down your throat. And then you’re going to listen, damn it.”

“Can’t use the stove with kids around,” Rumlow says. At least, that’s what Bucky thinks he garbles out.

“Then I’ll cook.”

“Can’t use the stove unsupervised.” The bastard manages to smirk even when he’s too out of it to stand.

“Fuck you,” Bucky says. But it feels like an order, and he’s so messed up right now, half-sick with anger and worry and everything else, and—fuck it. Just fuck it. “I’ll order delivery.”

*

“So lemme get this straight.” There’s fried rice stuck in Rumlow’s stubble. He’d proved too drugged for both chopsticks and a fork, and like hell was Bucky going to spoon feed him, so he’s just putting his face to his plate like a pig at a trough. Bucky won’t let him have his egg drop soup yet. The idiot would probably burn half his face off trying to drink it. In this state, he might not even notice if he did. “You’re runnin’ away from home ‘cause you think Captain America hates your teddy.”

“I didn’t say I was running away.” Bucky stabs at his lo mein with his chopsticks. He kicks at his backpack. Yeah, he’d thrown some stuff into it after he ran to his room post-Clint incident, but that was just because he’d been panicking. And five. Like he could really go on the run with a pair of pajama pants, a toothbrush, and a couple of picture books. “I just need you to take care of Bucky Bear. He likes you.”

“You know you’re talkin’ ‘bout a stuffed toy, don’tcha?”

Did it used to be this annoying, taking care of Steve? “Do you know how bad you smell? You haven’t bathed all week, have you?”

“Fuck you,” Rumlow slurs.

“Fuck you,” Bucky replies. “Now eat your rice. You need to sober up so I can tell you how to take care of him.”

Rumlow looks like he’s about to say something obnoxious, but before he gets the chance, Bucky’s phone is lighting up on the coffee table, ringing. Steve’s number. Of fucking course.

“You’d better answer that,” Rumlow warns, nearly falling off the couch when he leans forward to squint at the screen.

“No,” Bucky says, shoving Rumlow back up. How can he feel like this much dead weight when he’s not even unconscious? “I don’t want to talk to him.”

“He’s not breakin’ down my door again, Winnie.”

“What do you care?” Bucky stabs his chopsticks into the container again. His blood is boiling. “I’ll just buy you a new one.”

And Rumlow, half-dead, still manages the coordination to swipe the phone. Bucky bolts up, trying to grab it, but it’s too late. Wincing, as if the act of conversing is physically painful in this state, Rumlow speaks. “I had nothing to do with this. Kid just showed up.”

He sounds shockingly coherent. Bucky can’t make out Steve’s reply.

“Yeah, he’s still here. No, I’m not using the fucking stove. You don’t get to judge me when you scare the kid into running away, jackass. No, he’s not going anywhere. Of course he’s upset, Rogers. What kind of kid runs away from home when they’re not upset? No, I won’t. I’m not your messenger boy. Yeah, fuck you too. Bye, Rogers.”

He lets the phone drop onto the couch cushions.

“So do you just like playing the drugged asshole if it gets you babied?” Bucky asks.

“Anyone ever told you t’respect your elders?” Rumlow retorts. He looks pretty pleased with himself until Bucky roots around in his backpack and finds a certain picture book.

Once he opens it, Steve’s voice fills the room. “Once upon a time, there was a king and—”

Going white, Rumlow jumps up. He manages to sprint for about three feet before he loses his balance and falls onto his drugged ass. Or would have, anyway, if Bucky hadn’t been there to catch him.

“Not fuckin’ funny, Winter.”

“Says you.” Bucky smiles for what feels like the first time in days. “It’s hilarious.”

*

Rumlow’s passed out again, this time in bed.

Bucky had shoved as much food as he could into the man’s filthy face before deciding a valiant enough effort had been made. After that, he hauled Rumlow to the shower, but Rumlow was still too wasted to hold himself up. Bucky had to support the man and hose him down all at once.

Even if Bucky were allowed to drink, there could never be enough beer to drown out that memory.

At some point during the shower, Rumlow fell asleep. So Bucky just dried him off and hauled him to bed, covering the mattress with towels beforehand in case the drunk pisses himself.

Now he’s alone in Rumlow’s living room, staring at his bears. This should be the part where he decides what he’s supposed to do with his life from here, where he realizes how insane it is to run away over a teddy bear.

But he’s too tired for that. Without thinking, Bucky finds himself opening the picture book again.

“Once upon a time,” Steve says, “there was a king and queen who wanted to have a child very much.”

Bucky isn’t sure exactly when he starts crying. Once he realizes that his face is wet, he scoots away from the book so he won’t mess it up with his tears.

“Don’t cry, Bucky,” says Steve, and Bucky goes stiff, because that’s not a part of Sleeping Beauty.

The door is open. Steve’s standing in the hall. Bucky isn’t sure why he didn’t expect that.

The story forgotten, Bucky grabs onto his bear, holding tight.

“It’s all right.” Steve stays where he is, holding out his hands so that Bucky can see them. “Don’t be scared.”

“You can’t take my bear,” Bucky whispers.

“I don’t want to take your bear, Buck,” Steve promises. “I know how much he means to you.”

“He made you sad,” Bucky says. He glances warily at the window. He’d have to stand up to run to it, and Steve could probably catch him.

“Just because something makes me sad sometimes, that doesn’t mean I want to get rid of it.” Steve takes a step forward, but stops when Bucky tenses up again. “I won’t touch Bucky Bear. I just want to help him feel better, okay?”

“But you don’t like what he’s good at.” Bucky squeezes his bear tight, shaking his head. “Bucky Bear’s made for missions and if Bucky Bear can’t do that for you, how’s he ever gonna feel better?”

“Bucky Bear’s made to be Captain Ameribear’s best friend,” Steve corrects, sitting down on the floor. “And to do whatever he wants to do. Whatever HYDRA told him he’s supposed to be, Bucky, we can change the game. Bucky Bear doesn’t have to hurt anybody if he doesn’t want to.”

Bucky looks down at his bear. The bear’s little glass eyes are doubtful, and Bucky can’t help but echo the sentiment. “I don’t know how to change the game.”

“That’s okay,” says Steve. “I can show you. Can we play, little lamb?”

Wordless, Bucky tosses Captain Ameribear to him. He knows the game that Steve wants to play before Steve even speaks.

“Bucky Bear?” Captain Ameribear asks.

“Who the hell is Bucky Bear?”

This should be the part where Bear Widow shoots at him. But Bear Widow isn’t here.

Captain Ameribear points. “You are. You’re Bucky Bear. You’re my best friend.”

Bucky Bear takes a step back. “I don’t have friends,” he says. “I’m an asset.”

“You’re a bear just like me, see? We both have muzzles and tails and fuzzy ears.” Captain Ameribear reaches up, touching the ears sticking out of his helmet. “And bears can have friends if they want them.”

“I don’t know how to make friends,” says Bucky Bear. Captain Ameribear is coming closer, and Bucky Bear shrinks away.

“Don’t be afraid,” Captain Ameribear says. “I can show you how. We can have a lot of fun.”

“I don’t know how to do that either.”

Captain Ameribear offers his paw. “I can show you, Bucky Bear. I can show you anything you want to know, if you just trust me. And I can show you how to trust, too.”

Bucky Bear’s shaky. His stuffing feels so _tight_ , but at the same time, it’s like there’s not enough in his legs to hold him up. He doesn’t want to get in trouble. He’ll get in trouble if he goes with this bear.

But this bear seems familiar. Bucky Bear wants to be near him.

Slow and shivery, Bucky Bear takes Captain Ameribear’s paw.

Captain Ameribear smiles, and that makes Bucky Bear smile too. “You’re such a good bear,” Captain Ameribear says. “You’re such a brave bear, Bucky. And you’re my best friend. Come on, let’s go play.”

**Author's Note:**

> I commissioned [a drawing of the ending scene](http://lauralot89.tumblr.com/post/145644145776/i-dont-know-how-to-make-friends-says-bucky) from the incredibly talented artist [slouph.](http://slouph.tumblr.com/)
> 
> The title is taken from Suzanne Vega's song, ["Bad Wisdom."](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cEz5il1Syhc)
> 
> In [vironsusi's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/vironsusi/pseuds/vironsusi) wonderful APSHDS-verse story, [Monster Theory](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4157574), Bucky hides in Bruce's closet as Bruce reads to him. It struck me as the most endearing thing ever and I had to reference it here.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [When I Get In](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4678874) by [barbaricyawp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaricyawp/pseuds/barbaricyawp)
  * [Kiss It Better](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4753412) by [barbaricyawp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaricyawp/pseuds/barbaricyawp)




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